I started talking about this on a different blog, a personal one. But it’s a sign of certain aspects of my depression that I can’t ever really seem to pick one idea as correct and stick with it. So now it seems odd to not follow through here in this blog having already discussed depression to some length. So I’m adding this one here, which some of you will have already seen a couple of weeks ago. Sometime after, I’ll update on the trip to Peru and other odds and ends.
The past few (or many, I suppose) months I’ve gotten more and more frustrated. It’s not so much that the depression is so bad, I mean, my dark depression comes and goes, you know, and the drugs do seem to keep me out of it for the most part. But this whole thing of not caring about things or having any kind of motivation… I mean, my small victories are in the days where I actually leave the house for whatever small reason. And it dawned on me (well, not exactly, it’s not like I didn’t already know, more that it just really struck me) that it’s been going on for a decade. I realize that new meds give me that initial surge, but I think it’s more about the depression being lifted and feeling relief, and then shortly thereafter that wears off and I realize I’m still feeling the other stuff. The anhedonia. I’ve been going to therapy again for I guess about 6 months now. Kaiser wants to add a third medicine (Lamictal), which is supposed to be a mood stabilizer, in addition to the Wellbutrin and Zoloft. But that doesn’t even make much sense to me since my moods aren’t really swinging that wildly, it’s just that my level points are still fairly low.
The topic of ECT has finally been brought into serious conversation at this point. I realize it’s not the thing that it’s been portrayed as in popular culture, but even so… I’m not wild about the idea. Some people suffer short term memory loss. And then the step after that is deep brain stimulation, which involves putting a damn chip in my head to act as a sort of brain pacemaker. I mean, if it were 15 years ago when I was all into cyberpunk, I’m sure that would have been cool. But these days, not so much. All this with the knowledge that THEY DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT CAUSES DEPRESSION OR HOW THE TECHNIQUES THEY USE TO TREAT IT WORK. WHEN they work, which for me hasn’t been the case.
I just don’t know what else to try… for a while, before they added the Zoloft, I was trying this other thing, based on the idea that there were chemical imbalances and there were supplements you could take to help; fish oil, l-carnitine, coQ10, etc. So I took those along with the meds for about 2 months. I never really noticed any difference. The drop I had that led to them switching Effexor for Zoloft happened while I was still taking the supplements. They ran out shortly after and I didn’t bother getting more, and I didn’t have any kind of drop from them being gone.
It’s weird, the depression is sort of disconnected in some ways, but I’m also really aware of it. A couple of nights ago I had a low night, but I announced it was coming beforehand because I could feel it, then I started to cry, while I was just saying in a normal voice, okay, so I’m crying now. It’s like being both emotional but also not at all emotionally invested in it. You just take note of it and how it’s making you feel. Anyway. A decade. That’s a long fucking time.
So. I’m going to go to Peru. To take drugs. Well, not just take drugs, but to do the whole ayahuasca ceremonies. I read about this a couple of years ago and I really wanted to do it but financially it just wasn’t an option. Now that I’ve hit the point that ECT has become a serious discussion, and we have a little money, I’m trying something else first. I’ve been reading a lot about the use of psychedlics in the treatment of severe depression, about ketamines and stuff. I mean, actual scientific studies, though it’s difficult to do studies in the US, obviously. Anyway, a couple of years ago I read a really impressive article in National Geographic, a woman who’d struggled with severe depression all her life and gave up on normal treatments that weren’t getting the job done and decided to try something completely different.
So, that’s where I’m going. To that exact place. I’d talked with the woman back when I originally read the article, and she gave me even more information. I’ve read other studies, and the success rate is pretty high, and people who get relief seem to never slip back into it. Apparently, it outright changes your life. And at this point, given all I know about meds and ECT, and the lack of scientific understanding as to what causes depression and how the meds and ECT work, I can’t see any reason to favor them over trying this. So I am just doing something unbelievably atypical for me and going and doing it. In the end it doesn’t feel any crazier than the past decade I’ve spent trying to treat this medically.
Which means between now and then I have to wean off the current meds. So the next few months might be messy for me but we’ve talked about it and unlike any other time I’ve slipped down we’re expecting it. Whether that makes a difference I don’t know. I think even my therapist is excited about the idea, and ever since I first brought it up she sends me the occasional email about psychedelics and depression. So, um, there you have it.
As an update since first writing this, I’m finally completely off the meds since about a week and a half ago. The side effects have ranged from fascinating to wanting to punch people in the face for no real reason. This is my adventure, as it currently stands. More to come.
(hey there, “future-Paul, circa 2012” here, again. It took almost a year, but I finally started telling the story of my trip to Peru…)