So, I am trying to take some sort of self-inventory about things at the moment. I can look back and realize this is more or less exactly how I wanted things to be going as far as work and music just a few months ago. I am doing freelance and have work to cover me until the end of the year, guaranteed. So, though I’m not exactly rolling in the dough, I’m paying bills in a timely fashion while still being able to be at home. I’m also able to go out of town to play a show at any point. I have out of town shows coming up, some of them big ones that I could not have booked on my own. Shows that really do constitute a small tour, and not of the variety that I have joked about having before (see: Nashville last month, or Florida a couple of years ago, when I played two Borders shows). Actual, real-live, “need to go out and rent a van so we can cart the equipment around and also we have to get rooms and blah blah blah” touring.
But while I can look at this and see that, yes, this is exactly what I was looking for, it’s also a bit deceiving, since after the Indigo Girls shows in November I’m back where I started from. I mean, hopefully, I will have sold some CDs, and made new fans, and possibly might be able to parlay those shows into shows for myself in Florida. But it’s not as if the guy booking a club in Asheville is going to know or care what I was doing in Florida. So, I will still be struggling as I am now in trying to get into these clubs.
Which is fine. It’s what I do, I actually understand that. Really, my point is, I know that it affects my desire to do this shit. To make these depressing calls and be ignored. And I need to really get the hell over it. Because I need to be busting my ass much more on this stuff. I want this thing to happen, to follow through, so badly. And the fear that I will pour this effort into it and begin to really get sucked into believing in it and then have it fizzle into nothing may be justified, but it’s also keeping me from pushing back as hard as I can.
I am hoping when I read this later it might remind me:
This shit is important, you asshole, so get back to work.